Birth Trauma Awareness Week 2023: My Story
No one goes into their pregnancy expecting to experience trauma during their birth. We know that things could possibly go wrong at some point, but I think for the most part we hope for the best.
My Story
When I experienced birth trauma, I was hoping for a peaceful and unmedicated birth. Deep down something didn’t feel right, but I was in a hospital being cared for by professionals so I thought everything would be fine. Yes, everything turned out okay in the end, but even my OB did not anticipate what happened.
I experienced umbilical cord prolapse - this means that the umbilical cord slips between the baby and the cervix or falls into the birth canal (source). Luckily, I was already in the hospital and my doctor caught it quickly, so there were minimal health complications for my baby. She had to be on oxygen for about a day and spent our time in the hospital in the NICU, but she was otherwise okay. I was rushed to the OR and put under general anesthesia to deliver my baby via emergency C-section.
Overall it was the scariest situation I had ever been in. Seeing my doctor’s face pale when she discovered the prolapse was unnerving. I felt helpless and out of control as my body was physically moved and shifted to relieve the pressure off of my daughter’s umbilical cord. My body shook and my teeth chattered as I was wheeled down the hallways to the operating room. I was awake as they splashed the iodine on my belly to clean the spot where my doctor would make the incision to save my baby’s life. I had to coach myself to take breaths until a kind nurse grabbed my shaking hand in her warm one to distract me and the anesthesiologist put me under.
All I could do was tell myself that my baby would be here when I woke up.
I woke up in pain and loopy from the medicine they gave me. I cried when my nurse tried to help me walk because it felt like my insides would fall out if I moved. My tears flowed on Facetime with my mom and sister because I was so lonely and honestly freaked out because of what just happened.
Finding Healing
Sometimes I feel like I have moved on - healed - from my daughter’s traumatic birth… and sometimes it still feels so fresh and raw. It took months for my body to physically feel better, and even longer for my heart to not feel so fragile. My daughter is turning three in a few months, so I feel like I SHOULD be completely okay by now, but sometimes I’m not. And that’s okay. Nothing can change what I experienced. It was jarring and I lost my sense of self.
It helps to talk about it sometimes, but I don’t dwell on what could have been. I am grateful that my baby survived. I am grateful that there were no major complications with the C-section. I am grateful that I listened to my gut and went to the hospital when I did. I am grateful that I can continue to grow and heal around this trauma.
