Mama

Mama. Mother. Mom. Mommy.

Right now, my title in life is one of those four names. Sometimes it is “Mom-mom-mom-mommy-mom.” Sometimes my toddler calls me Daddy, but that hurts my feelings, so I’m not going to talk about that.

Right now, I am “just a mom,” and I am 100% okay with that.

Well, maybe not 100% ALL of the time.

I lost myself when I first became a mom. I was enthralled with motherhood. I didn’t do anything for myself. I quit wearing makeup unless I was going out, I didn’t pluck my eyebrows for six months, and all I could talk about was my adorable, sweet baby. I didn’t read books, something I used to love to do. I didn’t go out with friends, and the only reason I went out on dates with my husband was because his parents wanted all the time they could get with their first grand baby. She became my everything, and I was okay with that.

As she grew older, I became more aware of myself. She started to play independently, so I could work on my own things. I didn’t give up on my handmade business - in fact, it was easier to crochet and work on projects before she could crawl. My daughter was my priority, so I couldn’t grow my business like I wanted to, and I did have to take a few steps back eventually. When we added our second daughter to our family, I didn’t think I would ever write or make things again.

At that time, I truly felt lost. I was stuck under piles of laundry, dirty diapers, a baby who wanted to nurse every 2 hours, preschool drop off and pick up, and house work. On top of all of that, I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression and hypothyroidism. I couldn’t even find myself in motherhood. I thought I was a bad mom and that my girls deserved someone better than me to be their mother.

I’m a year away from some of the darkest times in my life. It has taken time and lots of healing, but I now know who I am. For the most part, I am “just a mom.” But I am also a writer and a creative person, and those are parts of me that I cannot bury under laundry and dirty diapers. Those are parts of me that I want my girls to look up to one day.

I lost myself in motherhood, only to find myself in the very same place. I’m different than who I was before I had kids - motherhood changed me, but so has everything else I’ve been through. I like to think that I am a better person overall, though I still have growing to. My days of “just being a mom” will likely come to an end soon, as my family’s needs are changing, and hopefully this writing thing will take me somewhere, but I will always cherish the days I was able to stay home with my babies. The days when I was just their mom.